i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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