I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
