Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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