cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
