rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
