if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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