Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
