I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
