i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
im holly from the hills drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
