Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there was a trapeze. enough said
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
