I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
