make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
