I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
