she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
