Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
