I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
