Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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