i just sent this text using only my big toe
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
