just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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