I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
