I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
