she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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