im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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