the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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