You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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