So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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