corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
