I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
