I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
