nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
