i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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