I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
