My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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