One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
