I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk is not a location!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
