It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
