there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
