Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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