We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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