So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
