Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
