I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize