Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
