Duck Duck Cougar?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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