after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
