So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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