Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
