HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize