my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
