At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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