I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm too high and old for this...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
