I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
