worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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