If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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