Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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