it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
