i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the condom got lost in my hair
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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