im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
