I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
