he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I did not marry a roomba.
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