Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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