piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize