I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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