He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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