shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
