Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
